My precious baby boy turns one today!!! I find myself feeling nauseous and on the verge of tears as I type this. I cannot believe a year has already passed since he was born!!
I decided to video him when I went to get him this morning. This is one of my favorite times of day with him! When he was first born I was really good to record his awakening every month or so, but it's been a while since I last did it. Not too exciting, but I want to remember everything about this day!
I will leave you with a letter I wrote to Miller for his baby book. I meant to do it right after he was born, but in my sleep deprivation never got around to it. It is the best way I know how to sum up my feelings on this special day. It may be a bit much for most readers, but I wanted to include it here too as I plan to get my blog printed into a keepsake journal.
My dearest Miller,
It is utterly impossible to believe that a year has already past since you were born. You mean so much to me and I fear that my feeble attempt to capture these feelings on paper may be inadequate, but I will try anyway so that you will always know how I feel about you right this moment. Giving birth to you was the most amazing experience of my life thus far. It was the most incredible, overwhelming thing I’ve ever done and I truly felt as though I were lucky enough to help the Lord perform a miracle. Of course, I know that the Lord did not need my help in creating you which makes me feel even more loved and blessed that He would let me play such an intense role in the miracle of you. The moment I saw you I was filled with a mixture of emotions: overwhelming love, pure joy, fear over the future, sorrow at the thought of losing you, extreme excitement, and finally peace. Love so intense that even after only knowing you for a moment, I would do anything for you. Joy so pure that I could not contain my smile even if I had wanted to. I grinned as I examined you carefully: your white-blond hair, your button nose, your hand that reached for me, your soft skin against mine, your scent, your sweet cry that subsided when I held you, your lips that were so kissable, the tiny squeaks you made when you cuddled close to me. I felt fear when I realized that I would not be able to protect you forever. You will get hurt, both physically and emotionally. If only I could prevent this pain. It may seem strange that I would feel sorrow, but my mind flashed forward to days when you will move away and be on your own, no longer mine to hold. Of course these are selfish thoughts, but the moment I first held you I couldn’t imagine ever letting go of you. I was filled with excitement over the days ahead. I imagined being witness to your first steps, little league games, vacations, and bedtimes. I was overcome with the thrill of being your mother. Amongst all of these feelings, I felt an overwhelming peace, which I’m sure comes only from our Father. I knew that although I can’t protect you, He can. Although you will not always be my little boy, you will always be His. When I am unable to heal you, He is able. I knew that the only way I could be the mother you need is through Him.
This first year of your life has been incredible. I am so thankful to your daddy for working so hard and agreeing to let me spend my days with you creating so many memories I will cherish always. I will never forget the first time you smiled at me. You were on your changing table, I had just finished dressing you, and you looked straight into my eyes and gave me the sweetest grin I had ever seen. Your smile still melts me. Holding you before bedtime or after naps is another favorite memory. You were very cuddly as a newborn, but after a few months cuddles were rare. You wanted to be in the action too much. I can always count on bedtime and just after naps for a cuddle or two though. I love holding you before bed every night as I pray for you. My prayer is that you will come to realize the lavish love of our Lord at an early age and that you will accept His gift of grace. I love seeing you discover new things and explore your favorites. You love toys that roll like trains and balls, but you will give up any toy on this earth if there is a chance to get in an open dishwasher and grab the silverware. You love fans and look for a fan whenever we enter a new place. You act shy when meeting new people, laying your head on my shoulder and smiling sweetly. After a minute you warm up, though, and you let me leave you in the care of others easily. You’re tough. You rarely cry when you fall or bump your head. You absolutely adore your daddy. You head straight for him when he gets home and you’d much prefer him anytime we’re both around. You have the funniest crawl that I hope I’ll always remember. Your ribs are ticklish and your laugh is to die for. You love music and I can always entertain you with a song, despite my lack of talent. When you hear music, you will stop what you’re doing to “dance”, rocking back and forth to the rhythm. You sleep great at night, but you’re an early riser and a horrible napper. You roll around and wrestle with your blanket or lovie when falling asleep, and I can’t imagine the day you won’t have crib rails to contain and protect you. You eat everything you’re served, and a lot of it. You love to turn the pages of books. You give the wettest, sloppiest kisses and I adore them. You are amazing and have captured my heart more than I ever imagined you could.
As you turn one today, the feelings of nostalgia, happiness, gratefulness to the Lord, and I must admit, a bit of sadness flood me. You are growing up so fast and I wish I could just freeze time for a bit. I guess I will just have to settle for seeing many more birthdays as the years go by, Lord willing. And as much as I want to freeze time, I will be honest and say that I cannot wait to be there for every one of them. Happy birthday baby boy!!!
I love you so very much,
Mommy
